Trinity Counseling Service

Men Who Are Caregivers Is Subject of Talk and Support Group at Senior Research Center

The Reverend Peter K. Stimpson spoke recently with Susan Hoskins, the executive director of Princeton Senior Resource Center (PSRC), about collaborating on a program for clients of PSRC. Reverend Stimpson, the director of Trinity Counseling Service, knew he wanted to do something that would make a difference.

“I asked her what she felt was an important issue, and right away she answered, ‘men who are caregivers,’” he says. “She had no idea that I had given a talk at the University of Texas in September, on just that subject.”

It is a topic that Reverend Stimpson knows well. He cared for his wife for more than two decades before she died in October 2004 after her body rejected a liver transplant. The emotional and physical toll that he experienced is familiar to anyone who is the principal caregiver of an ailing spouse, parent, or other loved one. And for men, it can be particularly grueling because of stereotypes that define them in a certain light.

“Men have a tendency to say, ‘I’m fine,’ instead of talking about their feelings,” Reverend Stimpson says. “It’s hard for them to allow other people to help and to try and not be so self-reliant. It’s just not a role they are familiar with.”

“Men Do Care” is the title of a talk Reverend Stimpson will give at 10 a.m. on Saturday, January 12 at PSRC, located in the Suzanne Patterson Center behind Borough Hall. The program will be followed a few weeks later by the formation of a support group, which will meet weekly on Monday evenings from 6 to 7:30 p.m. Participation is free.

While younger men tend to be more comfortable with the idea of being a caregiver, older men — baby boomers and beyond — often have more trouble taking on the role.

“I have found that younger men are a little more able to talk about their feelings than older men,” says Reverend Stimpson. “Older men have a tendency to not only not talk, but to not want help. They want to bring the wife to every appointment, do all the work around the house, and everything else. What happens is that they begin to burn out. As they burn out, they exhibit a whole bunch of other symptoms they don’t want to talk about much. They get angry with the person they’re caring for. Typically, they will drink too much. And they’ll get depressed. They even sometimes fantasize about their wife’s death, or having an affair. But it’s all because they just haven’t really dealt with it.”

When his own wife was sick and unable to climb stairs, Reverend Stimpson bought a one-story home in an “over 55” community. But when it came time to move in, his wife was in the hospital and he had to move by himself. Though he had people helping him, he was still doing most of the work.

“One night I was carrying in bag after bag of stuff. And my pants fell off,” he says, chuckling at the memory. “I had lost 20 pounds and I didn’t even know it. I began to realize just how hard it is to be a caregiver. And I realized that some of the ways in which men face it are quite different from the way women face it.”

When Reverend Stimpson began to research the topic of men as caregivers, he found that there was little written. “There are a ton of books that deal with women as caregivers, but not men,” he says. “I was a bit surprised. I could see that this was important.”

As director of Trinity Counseling Service, which is an outgrowth of Princeton’s Trinity Church, Reverend Stimpson oversees an agency with 24 psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, and clergy of different denominations, treating about 400 people a week. He has found that support groups work well for men who are caregivers. Having been in the situation himself, he knows how to make them feel comfortable enough to start talking.

“I won’t say to a guy, ‘You’ve got to share your feelings more,’” he says. “What I will do is help them realize that doing is caring by getting them to talk about their duties. Then I slip into what they’re feeling. So they might start to talk about that while sharing all of the different tasks they are doing. Part of the reason for this group is that everyone has the same issue, but everyone has different solutions to that issue. So even if I’m shy and saying nothing, I’m learning something. That’s typical group dynamics.”

The talk and support group are co-sponsored by the PSRC and Trinity Counseling Service, and made possible due to a grant from the Sally Foss and James Scott Hill Foundation. Reverend Stimpson is hoping to get participants through advertisements, church bulletins, and the PSRC newsletter.

“I’m not expecting a gigantic turnout,” he said. “But if I can get some people to show up, that will be good. I know they’re out there.”

Program for Parents of School Children Encourages a “Healthy State of Mind”

In keeping with Superintendent Judy Wilson’s recent advice not take the measure of students and schools with test scores alone, the public schools will present “Healthy State of Mind,” a panel discussion with behavioral health specialists from around the region on Monday, October 8, from 7:30 to 9 p.m. in the Black Box Theater at Princeton High School (PHS).

PHS Principal Gary Snyder will help facilitate the discussion. He will be joined by Trinity Counseling Service Clinical Psychologist Molly Palmer; Rider University Professor Karen Gischlar; Princeton House Counselor Nicole Orro; therapist Julie Neufeld; and Traumatic Loss Coalition coordinator George Scott. PHS Guidance Supervisor Angela Cecil will also be on hand for the program.

The October 8 event is the first in the public schools’ Princeton Balance Speakers Series for 2012-13. Intended primarily for parents of middle- and high school-age children, the talk will provide information and support in promoting good mental health and a sense of balance in the lives of pre-teens and teens as they negotiate life transitions, relationship challenges, and academic and social issues.

“Judy wanted the first program to have something that would acknowledge that we want a sense of balance in our children’s lives,” said public school spokeswoman
Assenka Oksiloff. The Princeton Balance Series was launched last year; it is intended to offer three events each year that “address issues that span all the grades,” Ms. Oksiloff noted.

In addition to working at Trinity Counseling Service, panelist Molly Palmer and her colleague, Melinda Noel, run a leadership class for eighth graders at John Witherspoon Middle School. The focus of the once-a-week meetings, she said, is on “leadership skills, self-esteem, self-awareness, and positive inter-personal skills.”

“My specific part is going to be about transitions and the risk factors that are associated with transitions,” reported Julie Neufeld describing her role in the October 8 discussion. “Some of the transitions that preteens and teens go through are obvious and clear cut, like moving from middle school to high school. Some of them are a little bit more obscure.” More nuanced problems occur, she said, when a student goes from being first in his or her middle school class to something lower than number one in high school. Being moved from a varsity athletic team to a less competitive one can be similarly problematic. “Sometimes a kid’s identity is so centered around being at the top of the class or being a great athlete,” said Ms. Neufeld. A change that they perceive as a kind of demotion can have a negative affect. She plans, she said, to highlight different types of transitions, “and help parents know what kinds of things might cause an increase in insecurity and a decrease in self-esteem.”

Rider University Professor Karen Gischlar specializes in “behavioral principles,” with a particular focus on the hard-to-manage child. Her other areas of interest are school psychology, and behavioral and academic assessment.

The Princeton Balance Speaker program is scheduled for February 13. The topic will be “Leading healthier lives Through Nutrition and Exercise.”